Watch Your Language

Excerpted from "International Adoption Guidebook," Mary M. Strickert © 2004

First introduced by Minneapolis social worker Marietta Spencer more than 20 years ago, positive adoption language is crafted to give the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity about the decisions made by both birthparents and adoptive parents in discussing the family planning decisions they have made for children who have been adopted. By using positive adoption language, we help abolish the old stereotype that adoption is second best – a dirty little secret that everyone knows about.

If you stop and really think about what you’re saying, positive adoption language is just common sense. For example, take terms such as real parent, real mother, real father, real family – these terms imply that an adopted child is not a real part of the family. By using phrases like this, you are invalidating both the child being a “real” part of the family and the “realness” of the family itself.

Through the use of positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption. By consistently speaking (and writing) in positive adoption language, someday this language will become commonplace – and the old hurtful terms will only serve to expose those who choose to be mean and small-minded. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption, like birth, is just another way to build a family. Both are important, but one is not necessarily better than the other.
There Are Better Ways to Say What You Mean

The old clichés "give up" and "put up for adoption" can slip out of our mouths almost unnoticed. However, are these phrases really accurate descriptions of what takes place when parents choose adoption? Of course not – no one who has gestated a child for nine months can cavalierly “give away” that child! Much heart-wrenching thought and soul searching goes into the decision to choose adoption for your child. Yes, parents do "give up" their parental rights, but do not give up on their child or give up loving their child. Saying that they “gave up” their child for adoption stigmatizes birthparents for deciding they aren't ready or able to parent. Saying that birthparents “gave up” their child is akin to saying that the birthparents made the wrong choice, when in fact, the birthparents made an incredibly strong choice by putting their child ahead of themselves.

Instead of contributing to the use of these outdated and hurtful clichés, those of us touched by adoption can do something to change the world for the better by using positive adoption language. We may have to go through a period of retraining our own minds and hearts while we carefully choose the words we use to describe adoption. We may need to (gently) correct and educate our family, our friends, and our co-workers. As we become more accustomed to using positive adoption language, we'll discover that this way of speaking about adoption will feel just as natural as the old hurtful clichés once did – and hearing the old clichés will offend us as much as a racial slur.

What we say and the words we use, communicate a lot about our values. The conscious and consistent use of positive adoption language affirms that adoption is as valid a way to build a family as birth. Choose the following positive adoption language instead of the negative phrases that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language you'll reflect the true nature of adoption – free of innuendo.

Negative vs.Positive Language

Instead of:
Real/Natural Parent, try Biological/Birth Parent
Adopted child, for My child
Adoptive parent, to Parent
Adoptable/Available child/orphan, much kinder
to say Waiting child
Gave up/gave away /adopted out, better to say
chose adoption or Made an adoption plan
Foreign child, child from abroad
Foreign adoption, International adoption
Interracial, Mixed race

These are some other thoughts I have on the subject:

Please don't:

Tell us we will become pregnant after adopting. That only happens to 8% of couples.

Tell us we wont truly be parents to a child we didnt birth. What makes you a parent isn't your DNA, but what is in your heart.

Tell us stories about failed placements and problems families have had with adopted children. Of course issues can arise. What in life is guaranteed never to have a problem?

Ask us how much our adoption cost, or even worse, how much we "paid" for our child. We do not pay for children. We pay the expenses (attorneys, courts, travel, ect.) associated with the process.

Ask us questions about why our child was placed for adoption. Our childs story is personal. It is his own, and it will be up to him to decide how much of it he chooses to share with anyone.

Tell us we are doing a "wonderful thing" by adopting. Our child is not a charity case, and we are not heros for adopting him.

Feel sorry for our child.

Please do:

Ask us about our adoption experience. It is truly wonderful and we are happy to talk about it.

Give us as much support as possible. We are excited and nervous about becoming new parents! When we return home from Vietnam with our baby it will be just the same as coming home from the hospital.

Celebrate the diversity of all people. Our child is going to bring a whole new cultural aspect to our family which will be wonderful!

Treat us just like any other family. After all......we are!