Time To Move On

So this week we got a phone call from the agency we applied to saying that they have accepted us. They were so impressed with how far along we are with our paperwork already, since we already have our CIS clearance for Vietnam and all. I was so happy and relieved to hear that they are taking us on, and that we are getting a tiny bit closer to our baby.

So on to the tough job. Ooooooooooooh I was really not looking forward to calling our agency and telling them that we were switching. I feel like I was insulting them or cheating on them or something. I hate that Im like that, and I know I sounded like a stammering idiot on the phone. But Im over it and now I really dont care. Like I said to George, no one is losing sleep over the fact that we have been cooling our heels for two months now with no end in sight. No one is worrying that I feel so down and depressed, feeling that we are never going to get to our travel day. No one is worrying about us getting our baby home ASAP. OK, maybe that last one is a bit harsh. All of these agencies know how desperately these children are wanted by their forever families. But I need to feel that Im doing whatever it takes to keep things moving, and if that means we have to switch to an agency that can get us to our child quicker, then thats what we have to do.

Taking Matters Into Our Own Hands

Well, we've made the decision to switch agencies. I hate to do it, but it feels right, like it's really the best thing to do at this point. Our agency has been really great so far and I would recommend them to anyone. I really thought they would be the people who would help us bring our baby home. But I just can't put my life on hold any longer. We have been waiting for their license to be issued for months now. It wasn't so bad in the beginning, but after we had done all of our paperwork and gotten all of our approvals, we just got stuck and couldnt do anymore. Its been two really long, difficult months of no progress, and I just cant have that anymore. I have been waiting four years to have a baby and I am completely out of patience at this point. I can't believe how difficult having a family has been for us! I feel like I've been in a maze and I just keep hitting dead ends.

But no more. If I want a baby, then I have to see to it that things keep moving along however they have to in order to make it happen. And anyway, yesterday I was thinking that as far as swiching to another agency or staying where we are, there is no wrong choice. Either way in the end we will have our baby.

So the thing that stinks is that we had to fill out an initial application with the new agency and send it in along with a check and a picture of each of us. No, it isnt a big deal. And yes of course the agency needs us to fill out some standard forms to get started. But reanswering questions about our histories, finances, ect? Didnt we do this already???? Not only did I fill out the forms before, but I had a social worker in my house twice talking about all of this with us at great length. Doing all of these things once is no trouble, but I resent having to do it again! And the cherry on top is that now we wait two weeks for the application to be reviewed, and they will contact us regarding if we have been approved. WHAT?!?!?!?! I have paperwork from the state that says we are fit to parent, and a form from CIS stating that we are approved. So why do I have to wait to be approved by someone else? Pleeeeeeease just let me get started!!!!!

I know, I know. I'm just being a bit nuts. But man! Cut me a break, huh?

Whoever it was that said "life is a bumpy ride, make sure you wear a helmet", wasn't kidding.

Thinking of My Baby

Blessed

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Elton John

Happy Mothers Day

Most certainly my last one without a baby, right? Right?????? Sometimes Im wondering, I'll tell you that much. This week was our 4th anniversary so last night we went out for a nice dinner. There was a big family there who probably were trying to get their M-day celebration out of the way before the mobs hit on Sunday. They had a little newborn with them and it just tugged at my heart. Will that be me next year? Will I be out at a restaurant with a stroller beside me?

M-day for quite a while has been a holiday that I just try to hide from. Stay out of the Hallmark stores and stuff like that. I've missed my mom alot since shes been gone. Theres so many things she missed out on. Me graduating from school, moving out on my own and buying my first car, getting married, and now, preparing for my baby. It makes me sad, but I know shes cheering me on. All I can do now is take what I learned from her, and try to do right by my own children.

The picture is my mom with me and my brother.